If there is one thing I can’t understand it is the resurgence of zombie popularity. Don’t get me wrong I love a throw back to the old school, but this zombie thing is one that really creeps me out. When I say I’m creeped out it’s not for the reasons one might think.
As a kid growing up I was never afraid of zombies. In fact, I thought they were hilarious. The thought of a creature that dragged one gimpy leg, didn’t have the sense to put his arm down, moved at a snail’s pace and could not articulate a threat never intimidated me. I was always a stellar athlete/ Tom-boy/Diva so I thought I could either outrun or outsmart the slow, poorly dressed, half dead idiot.
Fast forward forty years, I now have a zombie living under my own roof. Believe me, this time, I am TERRIFIED. I have gone to battle with this zombie everyday for ten years. Every battle plan and strategic move I’ve made has led to defeat. Just like those zombies in the old school horror flicks, this one just keeps coming back and is wearing me down!
My middle son Caleb, shuffles slowly to the breakfast table every morning. With limbs not quite functioning as they should, he kicks his brothers under the table and knocks over glasses of milk. Staring into space he mumbles something that sounds like ughhhgrrr! Cautiously, I ask what’s wrong Caleb? One of his brothers answers, he doesn’t like the breakfast again. (We’re having eggs, if it were lunch time, he’d eat two!)
I blow through my arsenal. Beginning with sweet reasonable words “Caleb eggs are super good for you and you love them. Remember you asked for two for lunch yesterday sweetie.” Inevitably I move on to bribery “if you finish your breakfast in the next two minutes I’ll give you an extra Gossbuck!” (More on Gossbucks in a future post). Refusing to admit defeat, I take my last stand which sadly usually involves yelling. “IF YOU DON’T EAT YOUR BREAKFAST I’M GONNA _______ !” On alternating days, “CALEB, TAKE SIX BIG BITES CLEAR YOUR PLACE AND DON’T ASK ME FOR FOOD AGAIN, EVER!”
What’s a ringmaster to do? At this point, I realize I don’t have the strength, wisdom or self-control to handle this zombie day in and day out. It is here in this moment that I need to seek God and ask for wisdom, patience and self-control. Yes, I want to defeat the zombie, but I don’t want to deflate my son.
I actually googled, “how to defeat zombies” and came across the top ten ways to kill a zombie. Most of them involved some very gruesome violent activities that Social Services would not approve of. But one of them did capture my attention.
Tomorrow, when I hear the shuffling towards the kitchen followed by GRRRRR. I’ll say good morning Captain Caleb. I’ll let him sit and stare and spill and mumble. When breakfast is over, and his plate is still full, I’ll give him a big kiss and move him through the rest of his morning routine (which by the way, he has no problem completing).
Why will I do this? Well number 3 on that top 10 list reads: “Starve the zombies out. A lot of people don’t understand that zombies will continue rotting indefinitely. A zombie only has a life span of 2-3 years, after which point they will be too corroded to be any threat.”
I figure, when he get’s hungry enough, he’ll eat. What’s more important than being in the Clean Plate Club for breakfast? My relationship with Caleb and his launch into his day! I agree with #3 above. This zombie most definitely will not survive, particularly if I starve him out. Heck, Caleb will be a teenager in three years and will soon be eating everything in sight and I’ll have another monster to deal with. God does answer prayers in mysterious ways!
Until next time…Fly high and dazzle ’em!
PS: This post is being shared with fellow mommy bloggers as a Manic Monday post on Pending Perfection. If you’re having a Manic Monday or would like to read some other very funny, very real perspectives on parenting, hop on over and give some of the other blogs some love.
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